University | Second Year Anxieties

Hey Guys x

I'm really sorry that I've been so rubbish with posting in the last few weeks - hopefully I'll get back on track soon!

I am dreading starting university again.

As annoying as it is, my first year wasn't what I expected at all, to the point where I don't want to go back. A small part of me hoped that I'd fail an exam so that the choice would be taken out of my hands and I wouldn't have to go back.

I've never said this on the blog before, but I did actually fail an exam when I got my results back in July. I actually wrote a post about how upset I was and decided not to upload it, but I retook the exam and I passed so it's all good!

My first year wasn't something that I really enjoyed - looking back on it, the only feeling that I remember feeling throughout the year is embarrassment and anxiety, so I'm dreading my second year being the same as my first.

I start on Tuesday, and I can't stop imagining all of the bad things that could happen. I had 12 sessions of CBT over the summer, so I'm fully aware that this is just a manifestation of my anxiety, but it doesn't make it any less scary or daunting.

I guess, what makes it even more daunting is the fact that it feels like no one else feels this way! Everyone I know can't wait to go back to uni, to go back to what they were doing before the summer came and ruined it.

If anything, it feels like for everyone else, the summer was an unwelcome interruption, but for me, the summer was my safe haven, the only time last (academic) year when I was really happy for more than one day in a row.

I have to point out, if you're about to go to uni, please don't assume that my experience will be yours, and don't worry about it! My experience is definitely unique, most people love university, it's the happiest time of their lives. But it's not for everyone, and I don't know if it's actually for me or not, but since I'm in second year, it's a bit late to review this!

I'm worried that my anxiety is the same as it was last year, that talking to people will still terrify me to the point where I'm wondering what I'm doing there in the first place.

On a practical level, I'm also worried about my work. All I've ever wanted to do is to be a writer, and I've never even considered doing anything else. But being an author isn't something that you can work towards with the help of a degree, it's something that you just have to do. But what if I can't do it, what if I write something and no one wants to publish it?

Sorry for dumping my worries onto you, but it definitely feels good to write them down!

Thank you for reading!

Please wish me luck in the comments!

Keep Smiling - Lou xx