I Want I Want I Want

Hey Guys x

I'm in the mood to write. I'm in the mood to create.

I'm coming from just watching Hazel Hayes' October 2016 Time Of The Month (TOTM) and this one has affected me, especially looking back on it. Watch it here.

I sometimes get a restless feeling in my chest, and I have that feeling right now. It can mean lots of different things, but right now it's linked with wanting to write. This is an unplanned, spontaneous post that I thought of 5 seconds ago. I love the immediacy of blogging - I love the fact that I can write down my thoughts and feelings and feel... cleansed.

I want to do a lot with my life. Seeing people accomplish things that I want to accomplish makes me jealous (I'm a very jealous person, I can't help it, I've learned to live with it) but it also makes me want to do the shit that gets me to where they are.

Louise Pentland met and had tea and cakes (I think) with my favourite author Sophie Kinsella. And all it made me want to do was write. It made me want to write a book, to have something on the shelves, something to give to people that came directly from me. And it's weird, because I'd kind of parked my want and need to write a book while I focused on other things, but now it's back with a vengeance.

And that got me thinking about all the things that I want to do with my life. And I'm not just talking big picture, even this year there are so many things that I want to accomplish.

One of them I won't talk about, because it is happening (no matter what I do, this is happening) and I don't want to give anything away. But I also want to write a book. I've been saying this for longer than I've been blogging and it is still true.

I guess, for the last few months, I've kind of put writing to the back of my mind. I write my fanfiction (Rogue, for anyone who wants to read it or know more about it!) religiously and I love it. I uploaded the first chapter of it on January 2nd 2016, and I'll soon be writing the last chapter and that's exciting and scary at the same time. Exciting because, at the point where I am now (which is further ahead than what is uploaded) I have written 80,000 words, which is already the amount of a novel, if not, very close, and I managed to accomplish that. It'll be exciting to finally tick the 'Completed' box and to see how Rogue and her world appeal to people when I'm not constantly updating her story. But it's also scary. Because when this is done, I have to move on to the next thing. I've been so comfortable in Rogue's world for so long, writing about a different main character with a different name and a different attitude is scary - starting from scratch is scary.

But aside from Rogue, I haven't been writing, or even wanting to. I write blog posts, I write fanfics, I write in creative writing class, I'll never be able to get rid of it, but I told myself that I should focus on something else, because book writing might not be in my future.

And now, thankfully, Louise and Hazel (not to mention Carrie Hope Fletcher, a constant inspiration) have given me a much needed kick up the backside, and made me want to reach for the things that matter.

But there's still things that I want.

I want to get work experience in the production industry. If you know someone who knows someone... I'm desperate! I've been sending emails and receiving nothing in return, and again, I had the thought that maybe I should give up. Cue another kick up the backside from my best friend, who said (and I quote): 'If production is what you love, then don't you dare give up because a few companies haven't emailed you back' and she was so right, what the hell am I doing? If I expect things to fall into my lap, nothing ever will and I'll never have the life that I want to have.

I want to drive. Kind of. Driving scares the shit out of me. I haven't been behind the wheel of a car since my lessons in 2015 because I was so scared, and I haven't wanted to. But I want to drive. I want to feel comfortable and confident behind the wheel of a car.

I've lost the restless feeling, the words aren't flowing as quickly as they were before, and I'm trying to think of something to say, which is usually a sign that I have nothing to say.

I don't know what I want this post to accomplish. Maybe I just needed to have a bit of a word vomit. Either way, I'm glad that I did because I feel better for it. Maybe I could look back at this post in a year and tick off the things that I said I wanted? Maybe I'll achieve none. I don't know, but I have hope, and that's never a bad thing.

Thank you for reading.

What do you want? Comment below!

Lou xx