Dear Diary | Avoiding Blogging

*UPDATE*

I wrote this last night. It was late and I was tired and miserable. In  the light of day, I don't think I phrased some of these things correctly.

I have to say, I do still love blogging, and I'm definitely not leaving the blogging world any time soon!

Take everything I've said in this with a pinch of salt.

***********************************************************************************

Hey Guys x

I haven't done one of these posts in a while. But to understand what's going on in my head right now, I really need to get it all down and out of my head.

Dear Diary,

I've been avoiding blogging. It's not that I don't have any ideas. I mean, that's true, but it's more than that. I don't know what it is. Even writing this is a struggle. Almost a physical struggle, I feel a strain in my chest while writing this. It's the weirdest thing, because in my conscious mind, I definitely don't have a problem with blogging.
But I feel like, subconsciously, there's some kind of blockage.

Writing this isn't fun anymore.

It's a horrible thing to admit, but when I think of blogging, I only think of it as something that I'm procrastinating. Along with my essays, reading and anxiety-provoking thoughts that I'm putting off thinking about, blogging is up there with it. Clicking on the blogger icon doesn't excite me, thinking about what I'm going to write next doesn't thrill me or make me want to write. In fact, apart from my writing for fun (i.e. my fan fictions), writing in general isn't doing it for me anymore.

It's like, I only have room in my mind and heart for one passion at a time, and that really sucks because there's not much that I can do about my passion for filmmaking at the moment.

I kind of don't feel anything for anything. Actually, that's a lie. The only things I feel are nothing or anxiety, and that's the shittest thing in the world because I don't know how to get out of this slump.I don't even know if I'm in a slump.

Weirdly, the finale of The Vampire Diaries has effected my in a really negative way. Like, the ending was great, I enjoyed watching it. But I was so upset by the ending that I still feel that now, and I watched it two days ago. Every time I think about the show I feel sadness. And that makes me feel sad in my real life. I've always been the kind of person to get effected by anything and everything, and I know that it's completely unnecessary, but I do.

Numb is something that I'm feeling right now. I don't even feel upset enough to cry or anxious enough to scream or happy enough to smile. There's a rush of feelings leading to nothing but numbness.

And that goes back to the blog. I don't feel motivated enough to write, or excited enough to plan posts, or down enough to delete the blog, or OK enough to not post anything. I just feel nothing.

I'm ending this here because I have nothing else to say. Sorry for the lack of posts for the last few weeks or so, this is getting hard. I hope I have more ideas and posts to write in the future.

Lou xx

Comments

  1. Hmm, seems like them times. I know the feeling with the shows.I was thinking this, for 'Alliegiant' (book), part of the "Divergent universe"). The message in that was empowering...made me walk slowly, and see anything as open as what they said in it (finishing the book - huff), a bit like the Uglies series "before the Hunger Games", that had sooo many messages in it. none explainging it right. Trying to say, "the seeking moments". to sum up, it's one of them times, to just figure "something", could be from anything, or like into nothing as well. Just hope you find your ultimate level ground, and may you never miss a solution. it will take time tbh. Anyway, may you take care.

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